Garry Lee Wright

GARRY LEE WRIGHT is a Chicago-based radio host and humouriste. He’s broadcast across the country and around the globe on WOC, WXRT, WGN, and now on Bleat Network®️ for Pirate Radio (formerly known as Pandemic Pirate Radio).

• Garry has appeared live from New York to California. The stage show “Garry Lee Wright was a Baby Boomer” toured the Midwest in the 2000s

• His weekly satire column NEWS JUNKIE ran in alternative papers across the country and won a SPJ award for humor.

When even the news needs a break

“Excuse me, Mr. White?”
“Yes, Jimmy? What is it?”
“Something strange is going on. No one came to work at the paper today.” “Everyone is off until January. I just came in to use the bathroom.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“It’s the holiday season. End of the year. We’re on a news hiatus.”
“A news hiatus? But what if something happens? Who’ll report it?”
“It won’t. Never does. See, everybody needs a break. All the big newsmakers take off

this time of year. Vacationing, partying, sobering up. No one’s in any mood for a pushy interview. So they don’t do anything, and we don’t cover it.”

“What about the volatile international situation?”
“Here’s your headline: ‘War going fine, say top officials.'”
“Run that tomorrow?”
“For the next six weeks.”
“What do we put in the rest of the newspaper?”
“The usual holiday stories. We run the same ones every year.”
“We do? I never noticed that.”
“No one does. End-of-Year Amnesia Syndrome.”
“Exactly. Something happens to everyone’s memory right after Thanksgiving. Maybe

it’s the L-tryptophan in the turkey. But they never seem to notice when last year’s articles pop up again.”

“Wait a minute – like, every season we ask some guy at a Christmas tree lot how to keep them fresh, and he always says, ‘Make a new cut and put it in water.'”

“Bingo. We’ve run that since World War II and people still hang it up on their refrigerator. Two years ago it won an honorable mention for investigative reporting.”

“And no one ever catches on?”

“Never. Someone ran a picture of Santa wearing an ‘I Like Ike’ button once, but our readers are comatose through New Year’s, so no one complained.”

“And nothing new actually happens?”

“Nada. We run our annual story about dangerous toys, our annual story about not groping coworkers at company parties, and then our big annual story about holiday safety. ‘Don’t set fire to your house with frayed Christmas lights!'”

“Does that still happen?”
“Not since 1947.”
“Shouldn’t we update it?”
“Here’s your lead. ‘Organic eggnog and botulism are a recipe for holiday stress.'” “And that’s really it for the whole season?”

“We look up when Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are, then it’s bring on the BarcaLoungers.”
“But what about those shopping surveys? How do we keep them current?”

“Make up the name of some mall. ‘Valley River Orchard,’ ‘Canyon Creek Meadow.’ It’s always land formation, body of water, plants. Then quote somebody named Betty saying, ‘I’m on a budget, but golly, it’s Christmas!'”

“So there’s really nothing that needs doing this time of year?” “You could write up some weather forecasts.”
“Can do, chief! Any particular slant?”
“‘Jack Frost will be nipping at our noses.'”

“Got it.”
“Great. See you around Valentine’s Day.”

• Garry’s “forensic memoir” HAPPINESS FOR BEGINNERS (4 stars on Amazon) is available in paperback, ebook, and soon as an audiobook. Free to our Pirate Radio listeners!

• His favorite jobs are father, amateur musician, and professional Cubs fan.